A good book....kind of

So I don't know what happened or how it happened but I decided that I wanted to read through my old journals this week. I think I am trying to find things to keep my mind busy. Usually I do some crafty project but with Brian being out of work and a major vacation right around the corner I can't bring myself to buy additional supplies for my hobbies. Journals. I have always loved the romance that the idea of journals bring. I find it amazing to read old journals and to imagine the persons voice narrating to me their adventures, emotions, and anything else they want to share. I have been a semi regular journal keeper since I was young, my first journal started when I was in 6th grade and I periodically get more entries and more detailed events throughout high school. In the mission field I didn't miss a day. Some days I just wrote things like EXHAUSTED...BED but I still managed to get something written down. After the mission I still wrote more often than before the mission days but less often than mission days. Understand?

Well I decided that my journal entries from 2003-2004-2005 looked interesting so I picked it up and started reading it. I usually wrote things in it like sorry been so long and how much I hate not being able to express my feelings. I have always wanted to be a beautiful writer like Kellie and Debbie...to be able to use words to immediately transport a person to that moment that emotion that energy.

Well as I read I found myself being able to feel the same way that I did as I wrote. Most of my drama came from all of my crushes and school and work. Some wonderful entries talk about experiences and vacations. I was very social and active, always out and about doing stuff. I was quite an adventurer.

I often shared my thoughts on dating and trying to find prince charming and find love and happiness. My desires to have the American Dream (husband, family, career, house and friends). I was so distraught and desperate for many years. My heart aches again just thinking of the desperation I always felt. I talked of horrible things that I needed to be released from, events that have now shaped me. I talked of having good friends, adventures, fights, loves, dates and conversations.

I finished reading late last night. I dreamt of past crushes and dreams. I dreamt of alternate realities. I dreamt of things that I wanted so strongly some years ago. Then I woke up confused and very scared. Then I looked to my left and found my sweet Aidan sprawled all over my bed, kicking me out. And my Brian. My love. My Prince Charming. I looked around the room to find my stuff. My house, my bed, my loves and my life. In a reflecting mood today I thought back to all the feelings of anger, sadness and loneliness I felt during my journal entries and I cried.

My life is not ideal nor is it what I would have picked for myself. Brian? He was the one for me? He was the answer to my dreams? I can assure all of you that YES...Brian is that man. I looked and scoured for so long. The Lord ignored my prayers or so I thought.

Maybe I am reflecting and sharing too much. But I also thought this morning that this experience needed to be documented for reading later. And then I panicked. I haven't wrote in a journal for years! But even though this blog is public and all can read...this is my journal. I am documenting for later reading. So for further reading I must say the following...

Did I find my Prince Charming.....yes
Did I find my way through sad times and troubling times....yes
Will my heart gets its number one desire....on Friday